My Birth part 2: The Wreckoning

I spent the next hour gloating over my defeat of the snake demon. Blissfully unaware of the horrors that were about to face me.

I heard faint noises from outside of the confines of my warm moist home, tapping, knocking and muttered conversation. "What are they planning?" I thought to myself. I closed my eyes for a brief moment to gather my thoughts. I opened them to be faced by the tip of a gigantic steel blade, which tore through the ceiling of my home.

My eyes were burnt by beams of fiery death, which shot through into my brain causing some momentary pain. This was later described to me as light. My eyes managed to to focus, just in time to see not one, but two snake demons descend on me. I tried to defend myself. I hurled body parts, some of which I didn't know I had, at the beasts. I tried biting one of them, but my gums were no match for its thick oily blue skin. I screamed for help from a higher power, knowing fully well that I would get no answer. The demons grabbed me by my mid-section and brought me face to face, with the Devil with a cloth on his face.

I stared into his dark angry blood shot eyes, as a mixture of blood and sweat trickled down from his brow and he said in a muffled voice "I got him".

I guess what I'm trying to say is, regarding to my mother trying to get me to move out the house, "FUCK YOU! I'M NOT LEAVING! NOT AGAIN! AND IF YOU DO HIRE A SURGEON TO COME GET ME, AS GOD BE MY WITNESS, HE WILL NOT TAKE ME ALIVE".

My Birth (part 1)

It was the 26th of January 1992, 1.28pm. Those were simple times, I would just spend all my days and nights relaxing in my mothers womb. I was well fed and watered, had no expectations forced upon me and whenever my mum pissed me off I could kick her in the stomach. With absolutely no comeuppance, just acknowledgement  "Oooo the babies kicking". I would spend entire weeks pondering as to whether or not zombies could be biochemically created, and if they were would we as a society see them as sick people in drastic need of a cure, or as bloodthirsty dead people. And how can I have such an elaborate thought process, when I have zero life experience.

Yep, all was well in the womb (which I would oftenly refer to as moist cushion land). Until, from outside of my mothers comfy innards, I heard an unfamiliar voice yell the word that still strikes fear in my heart. The word that prevents me from being emotionally capable of walking through 50% of the sides of a door.
"PUSH!"

I had recently felt some discomfort, the walls surrounding me would close in and then retract, this was gradually happening more and more often. I would slip down a bit, but I managed to climb my way back up. But then came The Gloved Hand. I had heard whispered stories of this foul creature from other unborns at pre-natal classes. A beast with oily blue, snake like skin and a grip that could crush a tin can. The beast was said to be at the command of a devil like human with dark eyes and cloth for a face. "The five pronged snake beast takes unborns from the comfort of their home. He takes them to a place where they are subject to the cold and a lifetime of torture". If only these were just tales.

 The Gloved Hand reached deep inside and gripped tightly around the crown of my head. The pressure on my infantile brain was almost too much to bare. It began to pull me away. I instinctively reached for anything that I could hold onto. Kidneys, intestines, a lung, I didnt care how much damage I caused, it was a last ditch effort at survival. Luckily, only milliseconds before I was dragged into the abyss, the vaginal wall closed on my face, like an automatic door with a poor judgement of timing. The Gloved Hand lost its grip for a split second and I managed to grab onto my umbilical cord and hoist myself back up.

I had won, I had defeated the Five Pronged Snake Demon................ or so I thought.


Part 2. Coming on 18/08/12

The truth about the Sandwich uncovered

Popular belief would have us thinking that the sandwich was created by Lord Sandwich, when he was playing cards and was hungry but didn't wanna get meat grease on his fingers. So he asked for two pieces of bread on either side of the bread. But I have it on good authority that this isn't the case. One day I was going to walk into Greggs when I was dragged away by a homeless man, who claimed to be the original Gregg. We sat in his shack in the park and he told me the story of the sandwich.

It was back in the 18th century, Lord Sandwich had been to the local tavern for a piss up. After failing to find a wench to bring back to his manor he walked home, as he was far too drunk to ride a horse and hadn't enough money to get a carriage home. On the way home he saw bright flashing lights in the sky coming from a rectangular shaped spacecraft that was plummeting towards the earth at an alarming rate.

The ship crash landed in the woods. Filled with curiosity Lord Sandwich decided to follow it. Lord Sandwich wondered the woods for several hours before he came upon the strange rectangular wrecked spacecraft. He was hesitant to approach it, but his curiosity was too strong. He could hear a muffled growling coming from under the peculiar craft. He approached slowly and lifted the ship. A very strange looking extra terrestrial dragged itself out from under the peculiar craft.

The alien was also a rectangular shape, with no arms or legs. Two beady eyes stood upon his strange frame. He had a white grainy complexion, thin lips and a pink thin bacon like tongue. Thick red blood oozed from his dark lips.

Lord Sandwich asked to the peculiar extra terrestrial what had happened. The alien told the curious man all about the war back in their home planet and how they had to find a new place where they could live in peace and harmony with other life forms.

Lord Sandwich felt incredible sympathy for the odd life form. He scooped him up in his arms and held him close to his chest. Lord Sandwich couldn't help but notice how good he smelt, like really nice. He also couldn't help but notice how soft his skin was and how beautiful he looked.

The alien was getting worried as the cuddle had lasted more than 5 minutes and the frightening man was taking in deep breaths right by his forehead. The extra terrestrial asked the Lord to stop, but there was no response.

Lord Sandwiches showed wide dilated shark like eyes. He couldn't resist, his desires had overcome him. He pierced the terrified aliens skin with sharp dagger like teeth. Ripping out the poor creatures vital organs, a thick red substance covered the psychotic animals face. The wounded extra terrestrial screamed for help to no avail. Fingernails started digging deep into his skin and ripping off his flesh.

The poor beings life flashed before his eyes, having memories of picnics with past lovers on beautiful meadows and his sons first birthday. He embraced the light.

It was over, Lord Sandwich fell to his knees and screamed at the skies. His skin was pale, clothes covered in the red substance. What had he done? The poor being had never harmed him in any way, why did he have the desire to devour the thing?

The rush he felt was the best high he had ever felt before. But his hunger was not yet filled, he searched the area devouring the corpses of the extra terrestrials that had passed in the crash. Not one having the same taste as the last. Until he had ravaged every last one. Lord Sandwich then fell to the floor and looked to the skies with a blank stare, his appetite had finally been clenched.

The next day Lord Sandwich was found by a search party, shaking, rocking back and forth, muttering words that simply had no meaning. They were horrified at the sight of the massacres aftermath. Organs hanging from trees, red, white and brown substances covering the ground and a crude mask made from the aliens skin over the Lords face. The "crusts" were buried and Lord Sandwich was sentenced to life in solitary confinement.

A few weeks later he hung himself in his cell, some say Lord Sandwich was haunted by the horrors that had happened at his hands that night. Family and friends made what we commonly know as a sandwich based on drawings he had made before his passing and named it in his memory.

The lifeforms of that planet never came back to earth until many years later, when they were found by a man names Adulf.

To be continued.......

No Signal VS Jason

You are a college student and decide to go stay at your uncles cabin in the middle of the woods with a group of your friends. All of a sudden a 7 foot hillbilly with a machete starts picking off your friends one by one. You go to call for help and realize you have no signal. Now i guess you feel like you would be the victim in this scenario, but try and see it from the hillbillys perspective.

You have just spent half of your wages on a brand new blackberry, you couldn't wait to go home and set it up. Then to your absolute horror you have no signal. You cant bbm your mates, you cant tweet about how you have "only jst woke up, worst eva hngover", you cant decline facebook adds from strange cyber stalkers and worst of all you cant call or text your family and friends. You becomes more and more furious, but you have no networking site where you can vent your rage. You spend the next few weeks holding the blackberry above your head to see if you get a signal. Then out of the blue a car full of thick as shit college freshmen move next door to you. They keep you up until the early hours of the morning, screaming things like "beer pong", "wooooooo", " for shizzle" and "Sup". You decide to go and ask them calmly to keep it down, as you would like some sleep, as you are working a 14 hour shift the next day. As you approach the door you hear the whining of a slutty blonde girl, "I dont get any signal in this shithole". Who wouldn't cut her arm off with an axe and beat her to death with it?

I mean we've all been in this situation. Waiting on the platform of an underground tube station, getting out your phone and remembering,  you cant tweet "the tube is loooooong" as you have no signal. You just feel like shoving the 15 year old indie kid in front of you onto the tracks, so you can watch his eyebrow piercing come out of the back of his head. Dont pretend you havent thought about it.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that you shouldn't blame the serial killers, you should blame the mobile networks and their lack of coverage.

What is crazy?

I've been called "crazy" by alot of people over the last year or so. It got me thinking, what really is "crazy" or "insane". I mean surely if the majority of the world believed that licking yourself clean like a cat, just before bed stops Dracula from going into your bedroom to take pictures of you asleep and putting them on facebook. Then surely in this kind of world, not licking yourself like a cat before bed would be considered "crazy" or "insane". I guess what i am trying to say is "crazy" is just what we perceive it to be. I will be using this as an excuse for anything "twisted" or "disgusting" that i may say on this here blog.