The Miracle Weight Loss Supplement

Hey guys I'm back and I'm very excited as this will be the first time I have blogged on 2 consecutive days. I have taken time out of my busy schedule of masturbating and watching distasteful poorly made horror films (not simultaneously), to give you the highlights of one of the many strange pondering sessions I have had today. Enjoy.

I have been suffering from a severe lack of motivation in pretty much everything I have been doing recently (by the way I know I'm mentioning myself alot, but it's a blog and frankly I can be as self-indulgent as I want. Also I use words that I don't bother to look up). To combat this I have tried the whole dieting and exercise thing, as I guess if I lost a bit of weight I would obtain a greater sense of self worth and would strive towards bigger and better things. But I have been finding it very difficult to motivate myself to go to the gym or eat healthy, not because these are overly difficult, but because there is an obvious miracle weight loss supplement that for some reason has been overlooked by the health and diet industry. This is a weight loss supplement that will see pounds drop off you, without having to put in any of that horrible effort. I am of course talking about Heroin. Because lets face it, you never see a tubby junkie. Why should I run on the spot and pick up heavy things and at times have to worry about accidentally staring at a mans penis. When I could be at home, syringe in arm, staring at the ceiling, until my sense of self worth is as high as my state of conciousness.

This could also propel me to temporary international fame, as the man who created The Heroin Fitness Craze. I could be the one to bring Heroin to the masses. I could do adverts with B-List celebrities, who say things like: - "I've lost 10 stone thanks to the Heroin Diet."
- "With the new Heroin diet I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, but I don't want to. Thank you Heroin Diet"
- "Thanks to the Heroin diet I've lost my baby weight........ and my baby." (To social services, it didn't die in the womb, don't be so sensitive)  

Then Heroin classes will take over Zumba. Tens of millions of mothers would go to community centres after dropping their children off at school and shoot up, lay on yoga mats and stare at the ceiling. Granted children will be left abandoned in school playgrounds and overtime become feral. But people will be thin and isn't that all that really matters?

You will start seeing before and after photos that look like this.

 

Then every celebrity will bring out their own Heroin workout DVDs for Christmas, where you can shoot up with the stars and stare at them, staring at you. I will personally be looking forward to Carol Vordermans 'Can I have a Constenant and emergent medical treatment: The Fitness DVD'. (I should of come up with a better name, but it's 1 in the morning, I'm sorry, I'm doing my best)

In conclusion, I guess what I'm trying to say is, Fuck gyms, Fuck diets, Fuck Zumba.
Thats about as good a conclusion as I can muster.

Add me on Twitter @georgeApack.

Come back tomorrow for more Pack in Wonderland.

Tweets of The Dead

Sorry for yet another wait, I really have to stop procrastinating. I am going to try and start posting my daily musings, before judgement day cometh. Which leads pleasantly onto todays topic of pointless rambling.

The Mayans, various conspiracy theorists and generally mentally unstable people, would have us believe that we have less than a month left to live. Now, don't get me wrong, in my short time being on this delicate planet I have become quite content, you know with the whole living thing. But there are some irrefutable (Well actually probably refutable, but if you argue against my points, I will probably just ignore you) upsides to a global apocalypse.

For example, lets say the internet doesn't go down for about a week (I don't know how long it will take to go down, as I am an idiot). Imagine how interesting social networking will become, imagine the tweets. Because frankly I don't give a fuck about what concert you are currently clearly not enjoying enough, to get off your fucking phone or how long you've been at work, but you tweet about how you had to axe your sister in the face because she was infected with a zombie virus, then I will personally give you a favourite and a retweet. Also for the first time since its creation someone may upload an interesting photo on Instagram, such as a deadly home made weapon they have been working on or a severed head, instead of the usual cunty posing in the mirror myspace throwback pics or what they have had for breakfast. Then again I can imagine someone posting a photo on Instagram of a tin of spaghetti, with the description: #rations.
But no matter what happens, I can guarantee that I will be on this here blog, lieing about how many zombies I've decapitated, how many asteroids I've dodged or how many aliens I've disintegrated.

I guess what I am trying to say is, follow me on twitter (https://twitter.com/georgeApack) and if shit really does hit the fan, then you may just get that retweet.
Also while you're at it follow Daron Cruickshank (https://twitter.com/Cruickshank155), because anyone with a kind of proficiency in anything who would to do an interview for this blog is pretty awesome.

Thats me done for today, come back tomorrow for more Pack in Wonderland.

I Love Cab Drivers

Hey people of the internet, it's been awhile since I posted on this here blog.

You know things aren't going well when 90% of your social interactions are with cab drivers.

I've been felling rather down recently, so I have been combating my depression by taking cabs to nowhere in particular. I am not ashamed to say that I have been taking cabs from my home, to London, just to get a cab back to my house. It has become somewhat of an addiction, to lie about my life to unknowing polite cabbies. It has overtaken movies as a way of escapism, from my mundane life. In the space of a few hours I could go from being an aspiring lawyer with a troublesome four year old child, to a former Ping Pong Olympics hopeful, before a terrible car crash on an icy Christmas day, ended my 2012 dreams. I guess you could consider this as lieing. I prefer to think of it as giving the cabbie a certain level of conversation that they lack from other passengers.

Here's a few of my favourite life stories that I have thrusted upon unsuspecting cabbies.

I am a cameraman for hardcore pornography, I am not proud of what I do, but I have mouths to feed. I always wanted to direct screenplays.
I used to be a part of a gang of petty criminals before spending a year in a youth detention centre. ow I run a charity to help find outlets for teenage inner city youths.
And on a rather long cab ride to Hatfield, I managed to convince the cab driver that I lived through a slightly changed version of Forrest Gump.

 Anyways that is how I have spent my last few weeks, hope you haven't been doing the same.
Much love and I will be posting again soon.